Having survived our early morning sailing—an activity that may leave some of us suspiciously green at the gills—we will now execute a high-speed (well, 62mph tops), continent-crossing dash (powered solely by lukewarm coffee and our pet driver Chris) to reach our 'Mystery Destination Theme Park!' A place so secretive even Google Earth struggles to pinpoint it. 

After the excitement of finding out where we have taken you, prepare for a full day of glorious, relentless fun: where you can conquer every questionable thrill ride until your internal organs question your life choices, demand selfies from suspiciously exuberant mascots, and attempt to view every single mediocre show before sprinting back to the next big queue. As the park's cheerful lighting cruelly flickers out and the staff sweep up the last remnants of discarded dignity and questionable park food, stagger back to the coach, ready for the "restful journey home," which is code for a communal, drooling slumber party punctuated by the sounds of competitive snoring and the quiet philosophical acceptance that your legs may never work again.